


Deep, Dark and Scary.

by Eshnoazot



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Steve Rogers and the 21st Century, Steve is a total punk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-16
Updated: 2014-04-16
Packaged: 2018-01-19 15:04:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1474144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eshnoazot/pseuds/Eshnoazot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony has waited for this moment for ages; spent hours perfecting the right combination of utter wit and snark for when Steve Rogers finally snapped and asked for help operating this shiny new technologically progressive world.<br/>Somehow, someone forgot to tell Steve that the world is suppose to be confusing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Deep, Dark and Scary.

Steve's face was scrunched into a perplexed expression when Tony strode into the kitchen with an empty coffee pot still steaming empty vapors. The lack of coffee clouded his priorities however, and the odd expression was filed away until the pot was once again filled with coffee the consistency of concrete.

When the caffeine scarcity had been rendered null and void, Tony paused and quickly glanced up again and let a crooked grin cover his face at the puzzled soldier who twirled a tablet pen in his fingers while the tip of his tongue flexed in the corner of his mouth. Like a shark to an open wound, Tony narrowed in on the sheer confusion in Steve's face and let out a hum that sounded suspiciously predatory.

"If you need any help with the great and glorious inter-webs, Say the word Spangles," Tony shrugged, "The internet is a deep, dark and scary place, Cap. Terrible _unspeakable_ things happen in the digital land of free speech and poor life choices. I don't want to see what happens if you stumble across something that breaks your little star spangled heart while I'm responsible for you. Agent will be _sad_."

"I'm okay," Steve replied suspiciously quickly, pulling the tablet close to his chest as the raven haired man tried to peer at the screen, " _Really_ , I know what I'm doing."

" _Oh_?" Tony drawled, as he sprawled over the counter onto one elbow, while balancing the cooling coffee in the other hand. Beneath exhausted hooded eyes he stared down the blonde super soldier, who visibly looked startled.

"Are you okay? You look a little-"

"You work for SHIELD and that was your _best_ attempt at misdirection?" Tony let out a sigh and shook his head, "I bet that's why you have a shield. Stick to your strong points."

"I don't need help, thank you for your offer though," Steve reiterated with a frown, "I read the instruction manual."

There was a beat.

"I'm sorry, you actually _read the instruction manual?_ "

"This may come as a shock to you, but the public school system in 1940 Brooklyn wasn't actually as bad as you may think," Steve placated, "I am capable of reading."

“Stop the presses!” Tony snorted, then took a long chug from the coffee pot, “…You _actually read_ the instruction manual? Over 300 pages of soul crushing diagrams and torturous technical writing?”

"It’s a Stark industries tablet; I’m not sure if you’re allowed to say things like that about your own company," Steve paused, "They’re informative."

"No one actually reads Instruction Manuals," Tony gave a sly grin, "But now we have an endorsement from Captain America himself, the kids will flock to our appliance manuals- _‘They’re informative’_. With praise like that, we’ll be on the New York Times Best sellers list by Wednesday."

Steve’s lips twisted into a smile.

"Oh," Tony paused incredulously, " _Sneakier_. Getting better there, Cap. You’ll rival Fury himself soon. So, what super secret things are you up to? While the Romanov’s away the mice will play?"

Steve fell silent.

You know I can just tell JARVIS to tell me about your hi jinks, right JARVIS?”

**_"Of course, Sir."_ **

"Your move, Cap."

Steve frowned, “Internet surfing.”

"Lies," Tony exhaled, tutting seriously, "I am _shocked and appalled_ at this behavior. I bet Barton is the bad influence on you, huh? By the end of the week he’ll have you recruited into his nightly _Dog Cops_ cult, mark my words."

"I’m blogging," Steve finally announced, with a sigh, "Okay? I found a free hosting site and the Internet was talking about blogs being a good way to share messages and help people learn new things. The people commenting have been really nice, and helpful."

"What do you blog about?" Tony shifted in surprise, before frowning, "This conversation is going to end in nondescript governmental organisations giving you fond yet threatening parental lectures, isn't it?"

Steve sighed, “Honestly, I feel like most of the time they see me as a mascot, more than an world war 2 veteran, and active soldier.”

"You can say superhero Cap, no one is listening," Tony paused to take another swig out of his coffee pot, "Say it with me- _Superhero_."

Steve pursed his lips, and tapped the tablet pen against the protective casing of the tablet.

"So what are you blogging about?" Tony relaxed back onto his elbows and stretched out like a cat, popping and cracking his bones in an elongated fluid motion that had Steve wrinkling his nose in displeasure at the sound.

"Oh, does that annoy you?" Tony cracked his knuckles and watched in glee as Steve’s jaw flexed, "This would be easier on the both of us if you just told me this super secret of yours."

"You’re going to get Arthritis if you keep that up, Stark," Steve responded, gripping the tablet harder, "I’d hate to have to make a Press Release detailing how Iron Man can’t help the Avengers because he’s getting a _hip replacement_."

" _Pot kettle black_!" Tony spluttered.

"I’m the picture of youth and vitality," Steve smiled with all the power of his patriotic, virtuous charm, "Just in Case, Mr Stark, I've heard that these newfangled _Life Alert_ bracelets might be helpful. We’d feel awfully bad if you had a senior moment and fell down and we couldn't get to you."

"I wasn't aware that Captain America was an awful person," Tony sniffed, swigging the last of the coffee, "Respect your elders."

Steve shrugged with a bright smile that accompanied an unspoken, sarcastic _‘shucks’_.

" _Oh Captain, my Captain_ ," Tony sighed as he shoved the coffee pot back under the expensive coffee machine, "Such secrecy! Please tell me that Captain America isn’t doing something naughty. It would break agents heart to hear that such a _wholesome young Gentlehero_ such as yourself is up to no good."

"Clearly I’m corrupting the youth of America," Steve let a gentle smile cross his face at the line, with such an innocent expression that made Tony automatically recall the smell of apple pie, "Oh gollygosh, you caught me."

"Dare I imagine that. Captain America has a sense of humor? _Well I never_!" Tony’s hand fell to his heart in a dramatic gasp of surprise, "It sounds more like the youth of America have been corrupting you. Do I need to make a few phone calls to some parents? Stop those horrible boys and their bad influence from turning our respectable and beloved national treasure into a common street punk?"

"That would really inconvenience my SHIELD employment."

Tony snorted and grinned widely, “Agent really would be appalled. So, what horrible unspeakable things are you encouraging in our underage population. Untucked shirts? Hair gel? Unmatching socks?”

" _Art_."

"I see," Tony nodded seriously, "Have you spoken to a counselor about this clear perversion of yours. Art is a gateway behavior. First it’s pencil sketches and crayons, next it’s sculpting and _crochet_."

"I haven’t started crochet yet," Steve mused, "Katherine sent me a few patterns that I’ve been wanting to try out, but I haven’t had the opportunity..."

" _Katherine_?" Tony replied brightly before pausing and narrowing his eyes, "Please tell me that Captain America is running a mommy blog. I need this. _America needs this_."

"I prefer the term _‘Art Blog’_ ," Steve retorted, before looking thoughtful, "Although Elizabeth said I was also a DIY tutorial blog, but Katherine thinks I’m an artsy critic, considering how much I blog about the art museums I’ve visited…"

"Wait, like the art museums you’ve visited while on SHIELD missions?" Tony asked, before grinning and all but purring back at the guilty expression on Steve’s face, "Why Captain Rogers, have you been running an art blog on _SHIELDS dime_? How have you been hiding this from Fury. Or Coulson."

"I prefer to think about it as _‘taking advantage of available resources’_ ," Steve relaxed his hold on his tablet, "…Katherine and Elizabeth work in SHIELD’s online intelligence division. They cover for me."

"Oh, it’s a _SHIELD knitting circle_ ; _treason_ _flavored_ ," Tony brightened, "Golly Cap, you make the best friends."

"It’s not treason," Steve retorted hotly, "They’re just not volunteering information that isn’t relevant. My dislike of Van Eyck and Mondrian, or my appreciation of Degas and Monet is hardly noteworthy."

"How do you feel about Matisse?" Tony suddenly asked.

"I find his work interesting, but I’m not exactly inspired-"

" _It doesn’t make you want to loosen your tie? Make your heart beat faster and faster. Palpitating? Inability to stop yourself?"_

Steve shot him an unimpressed look.

Tony snorted, then brightened as the coffee machine made a sound indicating that his coffee was ready. Steve sighed and carefully returned to his tablet with the same puzzled expression.

"We’ll discuss your horrifying lack of musical appreciation later," Tony suddenly appeared over his shoulder, cradling his refilled coffee pot with glassy eyes, "We can discuss this shocking display of sentimentality later."

Steve glanced back down at the crochet Ironman and glanced up at Tony’s retreating back with a sly grin.

"Well Stark, the Internet is a _deep, dark and scary place_."

**Author's Note:**

> The Matisse joke refers to the song 'Modern Art' by Art Brut.  
> Listen to it, friends.


End file.
